stupid
by xfool
Summary: Mac's turmoil from Singer's dealth up to her killing Sadik


**Author:** xfool

**Title: **Stupid

**Disclaimer: **I do not own the characters used or the song – they are property of DPB/CBS and Sarah McLachlin respectively.

**Notes: **I was bored and my newfound obsession with this song cured my boredom.  This can pretty much fit anywhere into the season without ruining it. (and the whole Mac/Webb relationship or lack thereof should never have made it into the show)  All song lyrics are _italics_  and inner thoughts during conversations are **bold**.

**Summary: **Set after the whole Singer's death/Paraguay/Harm's new job fiasco, it is primarily Mac's thoughts/feelings.

**Stupid**

The sheets, dark red in color, were twisted as the bed's occupant tossed and turned in a valiant effort to seek rest.  The moon's soft light spread itself through the lace curtains and windowpane before ending its path on the foot of the bed.  On the night stand, the numbers of the alarm clock created a red glow that seemed to stay at 3:34 AM.  A soft sigh, primarily in frustration, escaped her lips as she rose from her tangled sheets and searched the floor for the robe she kicked off the bed earlier.  Clad in her flannel robe, she started a fresh pot of coffee before moving to the large bay window.  In the night sky she could make out the constellations of the Big Dipper and Orion.  Her eyes remained focused on Orion, a great hunter killed by a scorpion.  In a way, the Greek mythological hunter reminded her of him.  The way they died had nothing in common, although she did feel like an insect for her words to him.  She knew they stung, much like the scorpion stung Orion over and over again.  The whole scene replayed itself in her mind, like a bad record, as the sun started to show its rays over the horizon.  In the sky where Orion once was, she could now see the scorpion, as if the two were chasing each other.  How quickly she was to put him in the place of Orion and her as the scorpion – always chasing each other with hurtful words or actions, desperately trying to see how much they could hurt the other.  It was a vicious cycle they had, one that she made clear had to stop.  Instead, it began anew and with a new intensity.  Turning her back on the window she went back into the kitchen for a cup of coffee before she started her morning routine.

_Night lift up the shades let in the brilliant light of morning__  
But steady me now for I am weak and starving for mercy  
_            

The elevator doors opened on the fourth floor and she was immediately assaulted by fluorescent lighting and the daily hustle before various meetings and appointments.  As quickly as humanly possible, she hid herself in her office, thanking the stars that she did not have court today or any meetings.  Her lunch was brown-bagged and she had a plentiful supply of bottled water under her desk. If she was lucky, no one would bother her and she could spend the morning doing what she seemed to do a lot of lately.  Thinking.  Unfortunately, her plans were ruined when P.O. Coates knocked on her door.

            "Pardon me ma'am, but the admiral would like to see you ASAP."

            Inwardly, she cringed.  "Ok, thanks.  Dismissed."

            "Aye ma'am."

            It took exactly two minutes and forty seconds to walk to the admiral's office where she was told to go in.

            "Lt. Col. MacKenzie reporting as ordered."

            "At ease Mac and have a seat."

            "Yes, sir," was the response as she lowered herself into one of the leather chairs.

            "While we're waiting, why don't you take a look at this."

            It wasn't a suggestion and she knew it.  **Dammit.**  She kept reading, hoping that her eyes were playing a trick on her.  **Why do I have to go to Miramar?  Harm would be more appropriate.  Oh, God, he couldn't…**

            She was so wrapped up in her inner monologue that she didn't notice him sit beside her.

            "I want you two to investigate the chopper mishap, and I want it done quickly and professionally.  You're flight out of PAX River leaves at 1430.  Dismissed."

            As she walked out of the door before him, she remembered a time when his hand found the small of her back and guided her to the outer office.  

            "Mac, are you ok?  You seem out of it."  His eyes betrayed his voice.  She saw no genuine concern for her, the question was merely a courtesy.

            "Yeah, I just haven't been able to sleep lately.  If I fall behind on this case I will head back, don't worry."

            "That wasn't what I was worried about…" his voice betrayed him then as it trailed off.  "I guess I'll see you at PAX River."

            "Yeah.  See you."  **Good job, MacKenzie.  Maybe he was concerned, we haven't talked about Paraguay or his CIA missions.  We've lost touch.**

_Sleep has left me alone to carry the weight of unraveling where we went wrong __  
It's  all I can do to hang on, to keep me from falling into old familiar shoes_

She parked her car and removed her bag from the trunk as Harm's SUV pulled into the space next to her.  Before, she would wait for him or they would have taken one car.  Now he had a daughter to worry about, and a life without her.  Around him and the rest of her friends she pretended to be fine without him, but in the heat of the moment, Clay had told her that their relationship had no future until she fully let go of Harm.  However much she tried, he haunted her in her dreams and where ever she went there were memories of her and Harm in happier days.

_How stupid could I be__  
a simpleton could see   
that you're no good for me   
but you're the only one I see_

The flight across the country was uneventful and at Miramar, the Gunny assigned to escort them around did so as if he was a young child told to clean his room.  Both officers finished the preliminary investigation and signed out a car from the base motor pool.  Harm slowed the car to a stop outside the local hotel.

            "I'll come back to get you at 0800.  I'll be at my mom's so call my cell phone if you think of anything."  He waited in the car until she had emptied the trunk of her bag and briefcase before peeling out onto the main road that would take him to La Jolla.  There was a time where she would have made a smart-assed comment but those days were gone as well.  Mac rented a room for the next two weeks and began to unpack.  Uniforms were hung in the closet, shoes precisely lined on the floor.  Her laptop was placed on the desk, desperately searching for a wireless connection to JAG computers back in Falls Church.  

"This is such a mess.  When did we go from friends to a forced co-existence?  Did he not believe me when I told the judge that he would make a great father?  Ok, so he probably didn't expect me to do anything but no matter what, I will fight to the ends of the earth for him.  I know that I still love him, and that I always will.  I just wish there was some way to let him know that I hurt myself more with my actions than he will ever know…. Oh, this is great MacKenzie, talking to no one as you put away your underwear.  You already saw a shrink twice this year, why not make it three times?"  She finished her chore and sat in front of the computer, ready to type her case notes and send them to her computer in her office for her final report.  

_Love has made me a fool set me on fire and watched as I floundered__  
unable to speak except to cry out and wait for your answer _

She changed into a pair of jeans and a USMC sweatshirt before going downstairs to the lobby restaurant.  She was seated at a table by the fireplace with a promise from the hostess that her waiter will be right along for her order.  Mac politely thanked the girl and looked over the menu.  As if on cue, the waiter appeared and took her order of chicken alfredo with a glass of tonic water and lime.  The waiter left and she found herself staring into the red-orange flames of the fire.  As she stared, a vision of an F-14 crashing into the runway flashed in front of her eyes followed by a white cross at Arlington.  The arrival of her dinner chased away her vision and the rest of the evening was spent in her room looking over the case file for the umpteenth time that day.  

At 0755 the next morning she was waiting patiently for Harm in the lobby.  She spent another night tossing around, eventually watching the same stars rise and fall in the sky.  Twenty minutes later she saw the government issue sedan pull into the parking lot.  Mac made her way to the car and the half-hour ride to the base was spent in an uncomfortable silence.

"Harm, we need to work together on this.  I know you don't want to be here, especially with me.  While we are on base or anywhere for our investigation we need to be civil to each other, ok?"

He kept looking ahead, like the wall he parked in front of was more interesting than her.  "I know.  Let's go so I can get home to Mattie."

_  
and you come around in your time speaking of fabulous places create  
an oasis that dries up as soon as you're gone  
you leave me here burning in this desert without you_

Their investigation was coming to an end, their finding was that of mechanical error.  However, to fully test out Harm's theory, he would have to take a flight with the new hardware installed just as the dead major's.  Mac saw Harm walking out to the plane in a flight suit and ran to him.  She didn't know what made her do what she did, but she stopped him long enough to tell him of her vision that first night.  He listened to her, not by choice, but because she outranked him.  She knew that he wouldn't listen to her but she had to try.  That was her rationalization.  Honestly, she did not want to escort back a coffin and have to call his mom and tell Mattie…  Why couldn't he listen to her this once?

_How stupid could I be__  
a simpleton could see   
that you're no good for me   
but you're the only one I see_

            Her back was to the windows of the hangar as he took off.  She couldn't watch.  

            "Why couldn't he listen to me?  Something is going to happen and he wouldn't listen.  I know that what I did and said to him since Singer's murder was the beginning of our end but I didn't want it to end like this.  I'm so stupid…."

_Everything changes everything falls apart__  
I can't stand to feel myself losing control  
in the deep of my senses I know_

"…Because of one man, my whole life has changed.  When I killed Sadik it was more in retaliation for Harm, not Clay.  When I told Harm it would never work between us it was to protect him.  What kind of person does that?  When Harm was being held for Singer's murder I wanted to disobey the Admiral's order and see him.  Now, because he wouldn't listen to me I won't get to tell him.  I should have tried harder to be the friend he was to me.  I should have fought harder with the Admiral for his job, been there when the CIA fired him.  I thought my intentions with Mattie and her dad and the hearing would have given him some clue.  He's all I think about.  I know we aren't meant to be anything but I wish I tried harder…" she squared her shoulders and turned around to see if he made it back in one piece.  Her head was down and she didn't see the commander in a flight suit leaning against the door frame with his arms crossed in front of his chest.

_How stupid could I be__  
a simpleton could see   
that you're no good for me   
but you're the only one I see_


End file.
